Dan the Destroyer Read online

  The Battle for Fire Ridge had plunged the red elves into Hades. They had come out the other side changed people. Yes, they were hurting, but they were hardened, too. New fire burned in their red eyes.

  To one side of the wagon train, Dan saw Parus, the young red elf warrior who had fought so bravely during the assault of Roderick’s wagon, shouting at a bunch of slack-jawed green elves.

  More refugees, then. Dozens of green elves had streamed into Fire Ridge since the battle, joining the handful of green elf captives who had miraculously survived the battle despite having been strapped like figureheads to the front of Roderick’s war wagons. Their own village had been sacked and decimated by the Raiders on their way to Fire Ridge.

  The green elves were a clannish, surly people, larger and far less friendly than the red elves; shorter, more heavily muscled, and far less refined than the grey elves; a stubborn, malingering lot that had turned complaining into a kind of art form.

  As Dan approached Parus he heard the green elves grumbling about the quantity and quality of the food they had received upon arrival.

  The half dozen newly arrived green elves, two males and four females ranging from late adolescence to middle age, started elbowing each other and whispering as Dan and Ula approached.

  “Welcome to Fire Ridge,” Dan said, ignoring their questions. “My name is Dan. If you travel with us, you will do what I say, when I say it. Do you understand?”

  Frowning and exchanging sour glances, the green elves grumbled in the affirmative.

  “Cut the shit,” Dan said, knowing he had to nip this in the bud. “You will carry your own weight, like it or not. And if you cop an attitude, I will kick your ass out to fend for yourself. Do you understand?”

  Their response was louder this time, with less drama.

  “Not good enough,” Dan said. He went down the line, eye-fucking them until they looked like so many rabbits ready to scamper away. “Make me believe that you hear me, understand me, and are willing to pull your weight without complaint. Now, one last time… do you understand?”

  “Yes, Master Dan!” they chorused loudly.

  “That’s more like it,” Dan said, and gave them a short nod.

  Turning to Parus, he said, “Find out what each of these new recruits can do. Everyone gets a job. Hunters, scouts, bakers, midwives, tailors… we have a place for everyone. Give that information to Jorbin Ateel, and he will assign them to squads.”

  The gnomish leader, whom Dan had considered killing during their first meeting, had proved himself a brave warrior during the battle and one hades of an administrator during the days since.

  “Hey barbarian,” Nadia called, leaning from the back of the armored war wagon. “Get your ass in here.” She gave him a playful smirk and disappeared inside.

  My deadly delight, Dan thought, watching her perfect ass disappear into the wagon. Killing assholes one day, fooling around the next.

  He just wished that she hadn’t brought the urchins back with her.

  Goldfinch was fine. A pretty, frightened little thing so unobtrusive that she almost faded into invisibility.

  Toad was okay, too. Sort of. But charming smile or not, if he caught the stubby little half-orc girl picking his people’s pockets, he would punish her, no matter what Nadia thought.

  The only real pain in the ass was Badger, the muscular halfling with a chip on his shoulder. Gruss had mutilated Badger’s sword hand, but that hadn’t stopped the kid from talking shit to several gnomes and red elves his first night here.

  Savoring the afterimage of Nadia’s perfect ass, Dan climbed the stairs, hoping that Nadia didn’t have the kids in there with her now.

  She didn’t.

  Ula followed him inside and stood guard near the door.

  The interior of the war wagon reminded Dan of RVs he’d seen in the old world. There was room to stand and move around, and every wall had arrow slits. A pair of drivers’ chairs sat at the front of the wagon. The center of the space was dominated by a large table engraved with a detailed map of Pennsylvania.

  Holly sat behind the table, grinning triumphantly, her purple eyes sparkling with excitement. Her braided hair lay across one shoulder like a golden whip.

  His beautiful gray elf wife was dressed in a loose-fitting robe of purple silk with Elvish runes decorating the lapel. Even if Dan could read Elvish, he probably couldn’t have interpreted them, though, because the robe barely covered his wife’s perfect breasts.

  Distracting. Very distracting.

  As was the massive hoard of treasure covering much of the great map.

  Dan managed to keep his jaw from dropping. He’d known they’d taken loot from Roderick and his troops, but he’d been too busy to examine or even much think about it until now.

  “Congratulations, husband,” Holly said with a slight bow of her head. “The spoils of victory.”

  Dan scanned the tabletop. Mountain ranges of stacked coins towered over colorful lakes of sorted gems and shining deltas of exquisitely crafted jewelry.

  For a second, he could only stare. He’d always been poor, in the old world and here. Even when playing T&T, he had never really scored big. Willis had been even stingier with gold than he had been with experience points.

  “Seventeen thousand, four hundred and twelve gold pieces,” Holly said. “One hundred and twenty-five platinum pieces, sixteen hundred silver pieces, several thousand copper pieces, thirty-one gems, and nine pieces of jewelry. Roderick’s magical sword. And the five potions of extra healing Nadia got for the spell book.”

  “In other words,” Nadia laughed, “you’re fucking rich!” Her emerald-green eyes glowed as they flicked back and forth between Dan and the sparkling heap.

  Dan grinned, incredulous. “We’re rich, you mean.”

  “You’ll obviously spoil your wives,” Holly said, “just as you will care for your people. But you are the Lord and Master of Fire Ridge. The wealth is yours.”

  Dan nodded, looking from the gold to the gems to the glowing sword. Not long ago, he would have wobbled, uncomfortable with the idea of claiming a treasure so many had died to secure. But he had changed, baptized by blood and fire, and had shed the bullshit conditioning of the old world.

  Without Dan, Roderick’s Raiders would have killed every last man, woman, and child in Fire Ridge, and now it would be up to Dan to lead the survivors to safety.

  Yes, he was Lord and Master of Fire Ridge, and this incredible treasure was all his.

  Laughing, he swept a thick coin from the table. “So be it,” he said.

  And the world around him froze as trumpets blasted.

  3

  Level Up, Buttercup

  “What kind of lame-ass barbarian waits three days to claim his loot?” the disembodied voice of his garrulous mentor and former sword, Wulfgar, bellowed.

  “A busy one,” Dan said.

  “What good is calling the shots if you still have to bury corpses yourself?”

  Dan shrugged. “I’m a hands-on kind of leader.”

  “Hands-on?” Wulfgar snorted. “You haven’t even touched that sweet red piece of ass, Thelia.”

  “Like I said, busy,” Dan said, feeling suddenly defensive. Truth be told, he had been busy, but that wasn’t his only reason for not bedding his new wife. The red elf was hot as hades but also a total airhead and strangely innocent, almost childlike.

  “And what about the hobgoblin?” Wulfgar asked.

  “I was ready to roll, but then Roderick attacked.”

  “Crom, you’re a piece of work,” Wulfgar said. “Missed your calling, you know that, Danny Boy? You should’ve been a monk. Order of the Celibate Pansies.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Dan said. “If I’m doing something wrong, you can bring it up with my mentor.”

  “Bullshit,” Wulfgar said. “I’ve been trying to get you to man up ever since Zohaz the Magnificent saddled me with your sorry ass. Look, as much as it pains me to admit it, you did all right with the battle.”
>
  Dan nodded. “All right, huh? Thanks. That’s high praise from you.”

  “You’re damned right it is! And don’t stand there hoping for me to pat you on the back. I’m an ass-kicker not an ass-kisser.”

  “You ever think you might be a little insecure?” Dan asked, grinning. “Maybe that’s why you’re not comfortable giving me credit where credit is due. Maybe you feel that—”

  “Fuck that noise, Sigmund Fraud,” Wulfgar interrupted. “This is for you and the psychiatrist’s couch you rode in on.”

  Dan looked around, saw nothing, and chuckled. “Are you trying to flip me the bird right now?”

  “The double bird,” Wulfgar growled. “Unfortunately, in this reality, hands appear to be wasted on the fucking clueless. Look, if you’re done flapping your lips, I actually have a job to do here.”

  Dan grinned. “I leveled up, didn’t I?”

  “Wipe that self-satisfied grin off your face. I don’t even have a stomach anymore, and that grin still makes me sick.”

  “Quit stalling,” Dan said. “Give me the breakdown.”

  A giant scroll appeared in the air and pulled open, revealing Dan’s character sheet.

  Name: Dan the Barbarian

  Strength: 18(92)

  Intelligence : 9

  Wisdom: 8

  Dexterity: 17

  Constitution : 17

  Charisma: 17

  Strength bonuses: + 2 attacking / +5 damage

  Dexterity: +6 armor rating, unless bulky armor is worn; +3 initiative, reaction, and missile attacks

  Constitution: +6 hit points per level

  Class: Barbarian

  Level: 6

  Hit points: 108

  Alignment: Chaotic good

  Experience: 111,555

  “Fuck yeah!” Dan roared. “I jumped two levels?”

  Wulfgar laughed. “You did. Not bad, punk. You killed a shit-ton of assholes, but it was claiming the loot that put you over the top.”

  “This is awesome,” Dan said. “108 hit points.”

  “Yeah, well, as your mentor I should say don’t go thinking those extra hit points make you sword-proof. Remember the ass whipping that—”

  “I remember,” Dan said, cutting him off. This was his moment of glory. The last thing he wanted to do was dredge up nightmare memories of getting his ass handed to him by Holly’s cocky brother, Briar. One of these days, Dan would get payback.

  He was pretty sure that Briar had 19 dexterity, which meant -5 on his armor class. The training armor and helmet that Briar had worn probably took him down to armor class 2 or 1.

  No wonder he hadn’t hit the cocky bastard.

  But Dan had been 3rd level then. Now he was 6th level. Hades, the next time they met, he might be 7th level. He’d have a way better chance of stomping the prick then.

  Briar and the grey elves had come through when Dan and his people needed them, joining the fight against Roderick’s Raiders, and Dan appreciated that, but he would still avenge the humiliating beating he’d taken.

  In time, he thought. In time.

  “How many experience points do I need for 7th level?” he asked.

  Wulfgar blew a raspberry. “Shooting up two levels isn’t enough for you? You need 150,001 xp to make 7th, so don’t just sit around counting your money, college boy.”

  Dan scanned the next section, which broke down his new experience points. As Wulfgar said, most of them had come from treasure, not killing. That was strange, as Willis had never given many experience points for treasure. Once again, this exception triggered a wave of unease.

  Whenever Willis was generous, a heavy shitstorm was brewing on the horizon.

  New experience point breakdown:

  63 of Roderick’s Raiders: 1200

  ½ share of Roderick: 1500

  Roderick’s +2 sword: 800

  Giant: 2000

  ¼ share of 2nd giant: 520

  17000 gold pieces from Roderick and his troops: 17000

  1600 silver pieces: 80

  8000 copper pieces: 40

  4000 gold pieces from the giants: 4000

  Gems: 3410

  Jewelry from Roderick and his magic user: 19000

  Jewelry from the giants: 25000

  Gold from the sale of the spell book: 4000

  Leadership (Rallying the troops, winning the Battle for Fire Ridge, accepting rule): 3000

  After working so hard to earn his first 30,000 experience points, this avalanche of xp didn’t seem possible.

  Not that he was going to complain.

  Moving on, he saw something that didn’t make sense.

  Harem members: Holly (wife), Nadia (wife), Thelia (wife)

  “If Thelia is part of my harem now, why didn’t I get experience points for adding her?”

  “Greedy fucker, aren’t you?” Wulfgar said. “Right now she’s your wife in title only. You want the extra points, you gotta boink her.”

  “Boink her?” Dan said, raising one eyebrow. “What are you, twelve?”

  “Yeah, twelve inches of rock-hard barbarian love club.”

  “Dude, you don’t even have a body anymore. So you’re like, zero inches.”

  “Shut the fuck up and read the scroll, hotshot.”

  Barbarian saving throw bonuses: +4 vs. poison; +3 vs. paralysis, death magic, petrification, and polymorph; +2 versus magical rods, staffs, or wands; +2 versus breath weapons.

  Primary barbarian abilities:

  Scale cliffs and climb trees

  Hide in wooded settings

  Surprise opponents

  Prevent blind attacks

  Jumping

  Detect illusion

  Detect magic

  Leadership

  Leadership II

  Leadership III

  “And don’t bother pointing out that Leadership III is new,” Wulfgar said. “It’s annoying when you point out the obvious.”

  “What’s it do for me?”

  “Helps you to convince three hundred wingnuts to follow you into whatever meat grinder you march into next.”

  “Does it ever get old, being such a grouchy bastard?”

  “Read on, jack-wagon. I tire of your company.”

  Secondary barbarian abilities:

  Wilderness craft and survival

  Primitive first aid

  Hunting and tracking

  Tertiary barbarian abilities:

  Long-distance running

  Small boat building and use

  Imitate animal sounds

  Snare and trap building

  Sexual stamina

  Sexual stamina II

  “What,” Dan said, “no jump to Sexual stamina III?”

  “Killing several dozen people makes you a psycho, not a stud. This might shock you, but it you want Sexual stamina III, you have to actually, you know, have sex.”

  “Zero inches,” Dan said.

  “You really are a tiresome fuck, you know that? You’re so grating, I’m actually looking forward to returning to nonexistence.”

  “Well, that makes two of us,” Dan said. “I also look forward to you returning to nonexistence.”

  He read the rest of the sheet. Only the final line was new.

  Native territory: The Endless Mountains

  Weapons of proficiency:

  Hand axe

  Spear

  Knife

  Two-handed sword

  Battle Axe

  Short bow

  Bastard sword

  Fist of Fury

  Gaining a new weapon of proficiency at 6th level was no surprise, and adding the Fist of Fury made sense, since he’d wasted a giant and a ton of raiders with the steam-powered gun. But with only one new weapon of proficiency every two levels, gaining Fist of Fury seemed like a waste. The guns were all in pieces now, save for the mobile unit that Ahneena’s grandfather had never finished.

  “Can I swap out Fist of Fury for a different weapon?” he asked.

  “Sure,” Wulfga
r said, “right after I get to swap you out for a mentee that doesn’t piss and moan when he gets free shit. All right. Look alive, punk. Time starts up again in 3, 2, 1…”

  4

  Perfect Gifts

  “I’ve never had money before,” Dan said. He reached out and scooped up a fistful of milky white gems.

  “Those are moonstones,” Nadia said. As a thief, she was an excellent appraiser.

  He opened his hand and snarled, noticing that the stones gave off a faint blue glow. “Are these rocks magical?”

  Nadia rolled her eyes. “Calm down, barbarian. They’re not hexed. And you’ll get around fifty gold pieces for each of them.”

  Dan grunted and dropped them back onto the table. “This will make our trip much easier.”

  “Indeed,” Holly said. “We’ll stop along the way and buy what we need. Wagons, oxen, food, medicine. I’ll have Jorbin compile a list.”

  In preparation for travel, Jorbin had divided the one hundred and eighty able-bodied adult survivors into two companies. With roughly ninety soldiers, each company held three platoons and was overseen by a company commander and three captains. Each platoon held around thirty soldiers and was overseen by a platoon leader and three sergeants. Each platoon was split into three squads. Each squad held around ten adults and was overseen by a squad leader.

  As a barbarian, this level of organization seemed a bit extreme to Dan, but he had learned to trust his people.

  “Good,” he said. Then, turning to Nadia, he said, “I want you with me when I’m buying stuff. You have the price of pretty much everything stored away in that beautiful skull of yours.”

  Nadia smiled and gave a little curtsey. “As long as you don’t stop in State College, I’m your girl. I don’t think I’ll be safe in that town for a long time.”